He Was Right

I have what many would consider a "difficult child". The words that have been used to describe Molly include: colicky, sensitive, needy, and high-energy. She requires a lot of work and keeps me very busy. At six months old, she still wakes up to 8 times a night. Sleep deprivation is my life. I will admit that sometimes I wonder why it had to be our family that would be given a little girl like her. By all accounts, my husband and I were easy babies- good sleepers, social, and calm. Honestly, we had expected the same in our child. Where did this stubborn little baby come from?!
I had a dream last night and I truly believe that God was talking to me. In this dream there was a little angel. She was stubborn and shy, clung to God and didn't like to socialize with the other angels. She was sensitive to change and God worried about her transition to life on Earth. How would she handle the different environment? Who could He trust to nurture this special little angel?
God needed a  mother who would meet stubbornness with gentle amusement. A father that would provide extra hugs and cuddles, while encouraging his little girl to grow and explore.  He needed a couple that would still love one another, enjoy each others company, and provide a healthy home, despite a serious lack of sleep. God looked onto this world and He saw me. He saw Josh. And He gifted us with an angel He knew would challenge us every day and provide us with joy beyond measure.
He gave us Molly.
He gave us the little girl who already knows how to give big, open-mouthed kisses. The little girl who will reach up to my face in the middle of the night and gently touch my cheek. The little girl who's smile could melt even the most hardened heart. He gave us chubby cheeks and tiny toes. A little girl who loves the bath, but hates the pool. Eats green beans, but not carrots. He gave us the most incredible gift of our lives. He knew that she was special, difficult even, but he also knew that Molly was the perfect fit for our family, and He was right.

Day 1: The Challenge

It was a bad day to start a challenge. Molly didn't sleep worth anything last night, she was fussy all day, and I haven't felt well. But I had committed and so I reluctantly began. The challenge, #writeandrun31, is to run and write every day in January. It's brilliant, really. An exercise of the body and the mind- to be both physically active and mentally creative every day. I absolutely loved the premise, but I knew that this would not come easy. After I put Molly to bed I dug through the closet and found my old running shoes, the ones I bought at a specialty running store during my time training with the Army Rangers. That has been many years ago and I am not even close to as in shape as I was back then. I couldn't decide if seeing those shoes squished at the bottom of my shoe collection should motivate me or sting, but I settled into a little bit of both and wiggled my feet into them. I didn't change into running clothes (it has always felt a bit pretentious to me- those spandex pants and tight tops. Like you aren't a "real runner" without them.) So I wore my clothes from the day- soft black leggings, a cami, and a cardigan- under my heavy winter coat with my husband's over-sized mittens and a wool hat. It certainly didn't have that athletic look, but I was comfortable and I figured that is what really matters.
I stepped onto our slick, snow packed road and broke into a slow jog. It felt awkward at first. My right ankle pulled slightly, my chest felt tight almost immediately, and my nose was frozen in the sub-zero cold. But despite all of this physical discomfort, a feeling of pure ecstasy rose up inside me. I was running! I was doing something for me. The fresh air, the squeaky crunch of snow beneath my feet, the burn in my lungs, were all somehow therapeutic. I had time to just myself. To think, to be. A realization hit me- I had been neglecting myself for far too long. I was scraping by in the care of me and I had forgotten how good it felt, how necessary it was, to to care for myself beyond the bare minimum. A big grin spread across my face as I jogged into the night. "Wow! This feels amazing" I thought.
 I ran for a whopping 14 minutes before I decided to call it a night, nothing special or admirable. But to me the victory was huge. I had broken past my wall of excuses. I had stepped beyond my fatigue and pushed myself into something I knew was for my own good. I felt totally refreshed when I got home. I was ready and excited to do the writing piece (the product of which you are now reading).
I wonder how many of you have also fallen into the trap of the bare minimum? Have you forgotten what it means to not only set aside time for your basic needs, but to love on yourself a little bit too? Ask yourself- what can you do today, and everyday, to go a little bit above and beyond for you.
Today was a bad day to start a challenge, but that is exactly why I needed to.

A Dog Named Penny

Almost a year ago we adopted a little black dog and named her Penny. We had never planned on owning an 11 pound dog. In fact, we didn't even consider it. We both grew up with large dogs and to us a small dog was a yippy, shaky, nuisance. But when we moved to our new apartment our landlord informed us that pets over 25 pounds were not allowed. We debated even getting a pet if our only option was something little, but we were desperate for a fur companion.

Penny was a unique little dog that had made the trip to Helena from the LA County Humane Society by private charter plane. Packed in her kennel with dozens of other little dogs, she stared quietly and intently at us. She never barked, she didn't get up to jump on the bars. I knew immediately that she was the one. 

Penny's first picture taken at the pound 

We brought her home and soon discovered that Penny was very afraid of people. We couldn't so much as glance her way without her cowering, rolling on to her back and drizzling herself with her own urine. It was heart-wrenching. Obviously someone had hurt this little dog. We spent hours online reading about abused dogs and how to gain their trust. For the first week we completely ignored her. We let her get to know her surroundings and meet us from a safe distance. By the second week we could crouch down to her level, extend the back of our hand in her direction, avert our eyes, and (on a good day) she would stretch her neck out and sniff us. Slowly but surely her confidence grew. Little by little she let us pet under her chin (never the top of her head as that is too aggressive) and one day when I was napping on the couch she jumped up to lay next to me. Her tail began to move from it's petrified position tucked between her legs to more erect and alert. For Josh and I, it was the hardest we had ever worked to gain an animal's trust and every little improvemt was as rewarding as it was exciting. 

           Penny starts to warm-up

I had always wondered about Penny's history and so (when I felt confident her nerves could handle it) I made a vet appointment to help us determine her age and any other significant findings an exam may give us. The vet told us she was barely a year old and had alreay had at least one litter of puppies. She was far too young to have already been a mom. And based on how she cowered, the vet confirmed our suspicions that Penny had not been treated well; most likely abused. It was around this time that my belly had started to grow with the expectance of our first baby. Penny immediately took to me. She loved to drape herself over my bump, and when the baby kicked Penny would sway and rock and bump up and down. We could still hardly look her in the eye, but she would happily take a pounding from the little human inside me.

                  Belly love <3

 By the time I was full-term Penny was fully warmed up to Josh and I. We could take her anywhere. From her nervousness came obedience. Penny knew we had saved her and she aimed to please. Still young, she played endlessly with Josh and her toys we had bought. Every night she snuggled into her bed. 

     Penny watches Dad play hockey

              Her favorite toy: Yoda

I was getting curious to see how Penny would react when I went into labor. On the night the contractions began Penny stayed loyally at my side. She wasn't scared of my moans and seemed to be acutely aware of what was happening. I got the feeling that she had been expecting this. I was standing in the bathroom grasping the towel bar and working through the ever more intense contractions when I looked down and saw Penny. She was making full eye contact, a true rarity for her. She looked at me with her deep brown eyes and I felt a sense of love, calm, friendship and understanding I have rarely received from humans. She knew my struggle and she stood calmly by my side. When we left to the hospital I remember telling Josh breathlessly through my pain that I wish we could bring her along. 

The day we brought Molly home, Penny greeted us at the door with a look of anticipation on her face. Ears perked, she immediately identified the car seat and anxiously awaited to look inside. When she quietly and gently sniffed Molly for the first time, Josh and I were astonished to see the look of knowing and familiarity that crossed Penny's face. She knew Molly and she had been expecting her. 

Today, Penny is more involved in the care of Molly than I could have ever imagined. Every diaper change, every late night bottle- Penny is there. Josh and I joke that if Penny had thumbs she could babysit. 

Penny has a purpose in life now. She has found a love and a reason for being. She now has a life in which she can feel and express love without fear. 

She has taught me so much about what it means to overcome a painful past and to find hope. 

Penny will forever hold an important spot in our family and in our hearts. 

10 totally hilarious pregnancy moments!

We've all been there. Something totally normal happens and for no good reason  we just break down. It's a "girl thing" and it only gets worse when you become pregnant! Those damn hormones really can get the best of us!

I asked ten women to share their most hilarious pregnancy moments and I couldn't stop laughing! Enjoy! 

1. "Full-blown melt down because Subway ran out of white bread."

2. "I wanted chicken strips at work so badly and I couldn't leave. I had to go to the bathroom and weep for five minutes"

3. "I accidentally stepped on a little frog in our backyard and killed it. I couldn't stop crying. I was freaked out that my son would get a taste of blood and become a serial killer. No idea how I jumped to that conclusion!

4. "I lost it when my fiancé brought me Mcdonalds and the sundae was half melted." 

5. "I sobbed because the line at Panda Express was too long and I was hungry."

6. "I broke down in the middle of the grocery store because I couldn't figure out what to make for dinner. My husband walked away because he was embarrassed, which just caused me to cry harder."

7. "I sobbed for an hour because a lady on a physical therapy commercial said she no longer suffered from back pain."

8. "I cried because my boyfriend didn't want to make pancakes with me."

9. "The guys on Swamp People killed an alligator. Full-blown meltdown."

10. "I cried because we didn't have Velveta in the house."

Feel free to add your hilarious pregnancy moment in the comments for your chance to be included in part two! 

5 things I would tell myself about parenting

Sometimes I wish I could travel back to pre-baby time and give myself some pointers. I feel that I have learned a lot in these last 9 weeks that would have served me well to know from the beginning. So here they are, the 5 things I would want me to know. 

1. Do not pre-define your parenting style- You truly never know what you are going to be like as a mother. So don't hold yourself to any standards ahead of time. You may go in thinking you will be an epidural-getting, formula feeding, let them cry it out, kind of a mom. Then suddenly that baby is born without a drop of meds, you're breast feeding in public, and are pretty much the hallmark of attachment parenting. And you know what? Both styles (and anything in between) is totally acceptable!! Embrace you! Be flexible and forgiving to yourself. You'll find your rhythm. And you truly never know what it will be until you're living it. 

     I have made peace with formula :)

2. Don't neglect your basic needs- this is soooo easy to do! You'll get so caught up in the chaos of being a mom that you'll turn around and realize it's been 3 days since you showered and you can't remember the last time you ate a vegetable. You know how the airplane people tell you to put on your oxygen mask before you help others? Same concept. Take care of yourself. You'll be a better mom for it

3. Find a way to hang on to you- what I mean is that your whole world will change suddenly when your baby is born, but that doesn't mean that you have to loose yourself to it! It's hard, especially at first. But make time for those long bubble baths where you listen to three hours straight of your favorite radio show. Continue to totally geek out about the next episode of Bones. Those things are your pleasures, and they need to continue. 

4. Remember that it's all temporary- sometimes the sleepless nights, the worry, the emotions and stress feel like they have taken over and are there to stay. But it gets better. Slowly but surely it does. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel. For now, hunker down, drink some coffee and put one foot in front of the other. Before you know it that little bundle of squawks will be an active and smiling little nugget of pure joy (who also sleeps through the night! Yay!). The mountain of chaos and craziness will fade in to a distant blip. 

          Early morning exhaustion 

5. ASK. FOR. HELP.- trust me on this one. I know it's hard to admit that you may need it. It's also a bit embarrassing for your friends to see you and your house in such disarray. Ignore your pride and modesty.  

Day three after our little one was born some friends of ours dropped off hamburgers, watermelon, potato salad, and homemade chocolate chip cookies. I will never forget that meal. It literally saved us. My sister did my disgusting dishes and my mom a load of laundry. The other day my mother and sister in law kept the little one entertained while I took a (much needed) long and relaxing shower. People really do want to help. You just need to step up and tell them what you need. 

A True Story About Poop

Proof that a sense of humor is a must when parenting:

So the other night I was settled in and snuggling my little one on the couch when she made it well known that her diaper was becoming full (think red-faced grunting, and a tell-tale odor emitting from her usually cute little self).

I sighed, heaved her up over my shoulder and trudged into the nursery. I'll admit I was tired and getting off the couch was the last thing I had wanted to do. But I met my obligatory mommy duty and began to peel off her pants to tackle whatever surprise awaited me. The diaper came off and within it was the usual poo. I grabbed wipes and cleaned her little bum thoroughly. 

Here's the thing about my little one, she loves a clean bum (can we blame her?) so the whole time I was cleaning her she was cooing and smiling and carrying on with her little kicky legs. Fricken. Adorable.

Well daddy decides to come see what all the happiness was about and join in on the fun. He grabbed her little feet and kissed her toes, lifted his head, smiled at me and I shit you not folks (pun intended), there is poo in his mustache!!!! In my sleepiness I must have missed when she planted her foot into her dirty diaper while I was changing her. Yikes. 

So then I have this little internal conflict of weather or not I ruin all the fun and tell my sweet husband that he is sporting a poo mustache. But my look must have said it all because he gets dead serious and says "what the hell is it?! I can tell something is up by the way you are looking at me". I broke the news as gently as I could, but he got all pale and ran out, careening down the hall to the bathroom. Poor guy. 

He wandered wide-eyed back in to the nursery a few minutes later, mustache dripping with water. I could smell the soap from across the room. I smiled at him cautiously, trying to gauge his state of mind after coming so dangerously close to poo in his mouth. He then takes me by complete surprise when he winks at me, coyly smiles, and says "It smells like shit in here! Or is that just my mustache?" 

Mom Shorts

Mom shorts- You know, the ones that start above the belly-button and end just barely above the knee. They come in all those fabulous shades of khaki. That high-waist makes an excellent pouch to tuck your flubby tummy in to. Never mind your ass looks like it was steamrolled and the crotch gives you insta-cameltoe- we must hide that tummy flub!