10 totally hilarious pregnancy moments!

We've all been there. Something totally normal happens and for no good reason  we just break down. It's a "girl thing" and it only gets worse when you become pregnant! Those damn hormones really can get the best of us!

I asked ten women to share their most hilarious pregnancy moments and I couldn't stop laughing! Enjoy! 

1. "Full-blown melt down because Subway ran out of white bread."

2. "I wanted chicken strips at work so badly and I couldn't leave. I had to go to the bathroom and weep for five minutes"

3. "I accidentally stepped on a little frog in our backyard and killed it. I couldn't stop crying. I was freaked out that my son would get a taste of blood and become a serial killer. No idea how I jumped to that conclusion!

4. "I lost it when my fiancé brought me Mcdonalds and the sundae was half melted." 

5. "I sobbed because the line at Panda Express was too long and I was hungry."

6. "I broke down in the middle of the grocery store because I couldn't figure out what to make for dinner. My husband walked away because he was embarrassed, which just caused me to cry harder."

7. "I sobbed for an hour because a lady on a physical therapy commercial said she no longer suffered from back pain."

8. "I cried because my boyfriend didn't want to make pancakes with me."

9. "The guys on Swamp People killed an alligator. Full-blown meltdown."

10. "I cried because we didn't have Velveta in the house."

Feel free to add your hilarious pregnancy moment in the comments for your chance to be included in part two! 

5 things I would tell myself about parenting

Sometimes I wish I could travel back to pre-baby time and give myself some pointers. I feel that I have learned a lot in these last 9 weeks that would have served me well to know from the beginning. So here they are, the 5 things I would want me to know. 

1. Do not pre-define your parenting style- You truly never know what you are going to be like as a mother. So don't hold yourself to any standards ahead of time. You may go in thinking you will be an epidural-getting, formula feeding, let them cry it out, kind of a mom. Then suddenly that baby is born without a drop of meds, you're breast feeding in public, and are pretty much the hallmark of attachment parenting. And you know what? Both styles (and anything in between) is totally acceptable!! Embrace you! Be flexible and forgiving to yourself. You'll find your rhythm. And you truly never know what it will be until you're living it. 

     I have made peace with formula :)

2. Don't neglect your basic needs- this is soooo easy to do! You'll get so caught up in the chaos of being a mom that you'll turn around and realize it's been 3 days since you showered and you can't remember the last time you ate a vegetable. You know how the airplane people tell you to put on your oxygen mask before you help others? Same concept. Take care of yourself. You'll be a better mom for it

3. Find a way to hang on to you- what I mean is that your whole world will change suddenly when your baby is born, but that doesn't mean that you have to loose yourself to it! It's hard, especially at first. But make time for those long bubble baths where you listen to three hours straight of your favorite radio show. Continue to totally geek out about the next episode of Bones. Those things are your pleasures, and they need to continue. 

4. Remember that it's all temporary- sometimes the sleepless nights, the worry, the emotions and stress feel like they have taken over and are there to stay. But it gets better. Slowly but surely it does. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel. For now, hunker down, drink some coffee and put one foot in front of the other. Before you know it that little bundle of squawks will be an active and smiling little nugget of pure joy (who also sleeps through the night! Yay!). The mountain of chaos and craziness will fade in to a distant blip. 

          Early morning exhaustion 

5. ASK. FOR. HELP.- trust me on this one. I know it's hard to admit that you may need it. It's also a bit embarrassing for your friends to see you and your house in such disarray. Ignore your pride and modesty.  

Day three after our little one was born some friends of ours dropped off hamburgers, watermelon, potato salad, and homemade chocolate chip cookies. I will never forget that meal. It literally saved us. My sister did my disgusting dishes and my mom a load of laundry. The other day my mother and sister in law kept the little one entertained while I took a (much needed) long and relaxing shower. People really do want to help. You just need to step up and tell them what you need. 

A True Story About Poop

Proof that a sense of humor is a must when parenting:

So the other night I was settled in and snuggling my little one on the couch when she made it well known that her diaper was becoming full (think red-faced grunting, and a tell-tale odor emitting from her usually cute little self).

I sighed, heaved her up over my shoulder and trudged into the nursery. I'll admit I was tired and getting off the couch was the last thing I had wanted to do. But I met my obligatory mommy duty and began to peel off her pants to tackle whatever surprise awaited me. The diaper came off and within it was the usual poo. I grabbed wipes and cleaned her little bum thoroughly. 

Here's the thing about my little one, she loves a clean bum (can we blame her?) so the whole time I was cleaning her she was cooing and smiling and carrying on with her little kicky legs. Fricken. Adorable.

Well daddy decides to come see what all the happiness was about and join in on the fun. He grabbed her little feet and kissed her toes, lifted his head, smiled at me and I shit you not folks (pun intended), there is poo in his mustache!!!! In my sleepiness I must have missed when she planted her foot into her dirty diaper while I was changing her. Yikes. 

So then I have this little internal conflict of weather or not I ruin all the fun and tell my sweet husband that he is sporting a poo mustache. But my look must have said it all because he gets dead serious and says "what the hell is it?! I can tell something is up by the way you are looking at me". I broke the news as gently as I could, but he got all pale and ran out, careening down the hall to the bathroom. Poor guy. 

He wandered wide-eyed back in to the nursery a few minutes later, mustache dripping with water. I could smell the soap from across the room. I smiled at him cautiously, trying to gauge his state of mind after coming so dangerously close to poo in his mouth. He then takes me by complete surprise when he winks at me, coyly smiles, and says "It smells like shit in here! Or is that just my mustache?" 

Mom Shorts

Mom shorts- You know, the ones that start above the belly-button and end just barely above the knee. They come in all those fabulous shades of khaki. That high-waist makes an excellent pouch to tuck your flubby tummy in to. Never mind your ass looks like it was steamrolled and the crotch gives you insta-cameltoe- we must hide that tummy flub!

Why I Hate Date Night

I am sitting Indian style on my laundry room floor this morning tossing wet clothes from the wash to the dryer and chatting with my husband. Tonight is our first official date night since our little one was born and we are going back and forth about how we should spend our evening. The hubs finally suggests we go to dinner (can't believe it took 20 minutes to come up with that creative idea) and I realize that I am feeling some serious hatred towards date night.
 Don't get me wrong, quality time with my husband is a precious and rare thing these days and I am really looking forward to having uninterrupted time with him. But I hate the term "date night". I hate that time with my husband has an official title and is now an event. A full-blown, planned weeks in advance, call the sitter, event. I realize that I really miss the days when every night was essentially date night. We cooked dinner, snuggled on the couch, argued over the TV channel, and fed each other Costco chocolate covered almonds (have you had those? They are de-lish!).
Truthfully, this whole date night business scares me. I am afraid that we are turning in to those people. The ones who have date night.  Maybe it's just me, but those people are boring. Their lives are so entrenched with the day-to-day, that they have to put being a husband or a wife on the calendar. It's pretty sad, really.
I know my days of couch-cuddling for hours with nothing but my husband and a tub of chocolate-covered almonds are over. That's okay. But I refuse to let quality time with him dwindle down to a single monthly date night.
I am making a vow to the entire Internet here, folks! I am going to be the kind of wife and life partner that is so great that we don't need a date night, it's just the cherry on top of an already awesome marriage. We're amazing, nity gritty moms, can't we be amazing wives, too?

The Truth About Dog Hair

If you don't have a dog I both envy and pity you. Dogs are fabulous pets. They are family. Our dog Penny is so good with our little one that my husband and I joke that if she had thumbs, we could let her babysit.  However, dogs come pre-packaged with one of the bains of my existence: dog hair (cue the shudder).
You want to know a secret about dog hair? It breeds. Yes, breeds, as in makes little baby dog hairs. It's the only explanation for the massive amount found in my home- Dog hairs like to get it on. Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
Some of their favorite sexy-time locations include under the dining room table, around the legs of furniture, and behind the TV stand. And let me to tell you what, those little guys are horny.
It's gotten to the point that I don't even try to sweep daily anymore (oh the shame). A cleanly swept corner practically encourages them to go forth and multiply.
Nowadays, I just wait for them to create one big happy family with second-cousins and brother-in-laws twice removed before I scoop the whole wad of them up with my bare hand and toss them in the trash. It's lazy, it's poor housewife form.
But hey, that's my nitty gritty life.

Welcome to the Club

I don't remember when I stopped wearing a bra, but let's just say my "ladies" haven't been confined in a boobie straight jacket in quite a while. The truth is, I have let a lot of things go since becoming a mom 6 weeks ago. After you have a baby there is a major shift in priorities. Your world changes so drastically that brushing your teeth at least once a day (flossing? whats that?) feels like a major feat. There is just no way that perky boobs are even on the radar. Honestly, I wouldn't wear pants anymore either. But my husband says that's not socially acceptable. Jerk.
Motherhood is about survival. The days of going above and beyond have ended. I used to love the feeling of sitting on the couch at the end of the day, cup of tea in my hands, feet propped on the coffee table, looking around my house and knowing all the laundry was washed and put away, the dishes were done, and the floors were clean. That feeling of pride and contentment was priceless.
Now I am happy just to have pajamas on that aren't covered in spit-up. I am so deliriously tired by the end of the day that I crawl into bed and have to rack my brain to remember if I let the dog back inside after her trip to the potty 3 hours prior.
You hear this constantly when you become a mom "Motherhood is such a joy!" I am here to tell you a dirty little secret: it is not always joyful. When it's 2am and you haven't slept in three days and you're awake scrubbing bottles, it's not joyful. When you have been holding your pee for 2 hours just so you can sweep the floor and maybe even run a mop over it before nap time is over, its not joyful.
Truthfully, motherhood is hard. It's exhausting. Sometimes it's just downright miserable.
But you know what else they say about motherhood? "Its worth it." And this time, they are right. When your sweet baby smiles at you for the first time, when you pick them up and smoosh their chubby little cheeks into yours, that smell they have that you could swear is as addicting as crack....It makes every bleary-eyed morning, every disgusting diaper change, every time you were late because they were suddenly starving the second you walked out the door, worth it.
This is motherhood. It's nitty, it's gritty, and (sometimes) even joyful.
Check your bra at the door and come on in. Welcome to the club.